A Guide to Trusting the Unworthy

There are some conversations you wish you never had.

There are some things in life that you wish you had been ignorant of. There are some feelings you wish you had never experienced. There are some people in life who you wished hadn’t turned out the way they did.

But inspite of all your intelligence and knowledge and all the advice that everybody gave you, that is exactly what you run after.

You think of yourself as an ideal friend. You think that you would make your best efforts to be loyal and defend. You automatically assume that others follow these unwritten norms of friendship too.

You meet him in your Junior year, and you become friends. He’s nice and funny and it seems to you that he would always be there to help you out in a tough situation. You have tons of mutual friends, and you somehow always end up on the same team. 

You play games together. You crack stupid jokes. He jokes a lot. You joke a lot. It’s extremely comfortable and fun. You have the best time during school breaks, and do the most ridiculous things. You start thinking of him as a close friend. He confides things in you (Or you think he does.) You start telling him your secrets. You spent hours talking to him and your other friends about your problems and the possible solutions.

You become even closer friends. You trust him implicitly and you naturally assume that he feels the same way about your friendship. You wouldn’t hear anything against him and would always defend him. Because you fall the unwritten norms of friendship. To stand by and defend your friend without a second thought. Your other friends gradually stop telling you that they don’t think that you are in good company, because they believe you have utmost faith in him. And the sad part is, that they are absolutely right.

It isn’t until school ends that you realize. That you hear about what he actually did and said about you. Of what a demeaning view he held of the friendship you two shared. Of how he had laughed at you, passed snide remarks on you behind your back to his guy friends. How you had become the butt of every joke. All this while while you had blindly thought that he was all but your closest friends.

You are shocked. You spend days talking to yourself, trying to convince yourself that this really HAD happened. That he REALLY HAD done something like that to you. You spend days convincing yourself of the cruel reality. And yet, somewhere and somehow you have that little spark in your heart telling you that he wasn’t completely wrong. A little hope that somehow things would put themselves right again and that he would have a nice, solid explanation to all of this. An explanation that you would rush to believe, and forgive.

You confront him. He denies it. But you know the truth and you tell him that you would forgive him. You want to tell him that you didn’t have it in your heart to hold a grudge against him because you had spent two years treasuring his friendship, and you couldn’t bring yourself to forget all the fun, the jokes, the ridiculousness of your friendship had been nothing but a farce. You want him to explain, to convince you – and you know that all it would take from his side to convince you was a simple apology. That was all that you need from him. And you would forgive him.

You tell him this. He still doesn’t accept it.

And then comes the moment of truth. That two second moment which shattered all the hope you have of recovering that friendship. Three lines that took the floor from beneath your feet. Three lines that make you feel like a common whore. Three lines that kill every being of self respect you have for yourself, and for him. Three lines that don’t anger you, but that break you. Slowly, and gradually.

You think about it for a while after that. You wonder what you would do, how you would react when you see him again. You imagine various scenarios in your head. You fantasize about shouting at him, slapping him. But when you do see him, you realize that you can’t slap him. You can’t even shout at him. In fact, you can’t bring yourself to say a word to him. So you pretend that he doesn’t exist. He complies.

But as soon as he gets the chance, he approaches you, denying any involvement, claiming to be innocent. You are blank. You do not know what to say. So you say what you have never said to a living soul before. You say what you had pledged to never say to anyone  for the sake of the little morality you wished to maintain in this vast sea of debauchery. But then again, now you understand why they say it. You pick up your bag, throw it over your shoulder, and say “Fuck You!” before you turn to leave.

There are some conversations you wish you never had. This isn’t one of them.

Romney VS Obama

Well – let’s face it. The elections are almost there, and the average American voter (who doesn’t support any particular party) is facing the dilemma of making a difficult choice: Mitt Romney or Barack Obama?

Let me start by clarifying that I haven’t ever taken an avid interest in American politics uptil this time, so pardon the errors!

Barack Obama, President of the United States, running for his second term. He’s spent four years in the Oval Office, and in all fairness, he has done quite a bit. Sworn in in 2009, at one of the worst moments in history, when the United States was in a miserable condition, Obama promised the American people a revival of their glory and inspired them by becoming the first African-American President. True to his word, he pulled out the U.S. troops from Iraq and brought down the unemployment rate to some extent. He authorized the raid that was responsible for ending the life of the dreaded terrorist, Osama Bin Laden. It was during his tenure that two women, Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan, were appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court. He’s an eloquent orator and can charm his way through his speech into the heart of people. But enough has already been said about his oratory skills four years back, when he first ran for President. His recent debate with Mitt Romney was rather disappointing though, he seemed ill at ease and lacked energy and enthusiasm.

Mitt Romney, on the other hand, the former Governor of Massachusetts, is like a breath of fresh air. As seen recently, he is a strong debater and no one can deny that he’s got style. The fact that he’s Mormon just somehow adds to his persona, rather than make him lose out on the edge. Although, as a country, America has risen above religion, color and gender (hopefully, in the future!) so his faith remains a non-issue in this election. An excellent fund raiser,  and an impressive campaigner, Romney’s wit, confidence and assertiveness is praiseworthy. However, there were a lot of issues with the substance (But that’s something entirely different!)  He creates the impression of a strong, decisive leader and strikes a chord with the people.

But this election is not about oration or motivation or style, its about major issues faced by America.

And that is what it will come down to ultimately.

Roe v. Wade is something that is genuinely something to be concerned about when it comes to Romney.  I personally support it and believe that a woman should be entitled to this decision, for a very simple reason. An unwanted child is most likely be deprived of the necessary love and care, and would in turn resort to crime (Read: Steven Levitt’s paper). Mitt Romney, however, holds a confused stance on this issue. Back in 1994, he claimed that he supported it and that, since it had been a law for the past 20 years, they should learn to accept it as a part of their lives. Now, as a Republican candidate for Presidency, he opposes it, claiming that “opinions change over time”. Sorry, but that doesn’t sound the least bit valid to me. On the other hand, Obama supports Roe v. Wade – just as he supports same-sex marriages.

Coming to terrorism, Obama was responsible for the raid on Osama Bin Laden which ended his life. He has largely followed Bush’s anti-terrorist policies since then, including detention of terrorism suspects. Romney’s policy on terrorism states that the foreign terrorist suspects would not be provided with any constitutional rights and considers waterboarding as valid, and not a “form of torture”.

Obama has not pushed for stricter gun control rules since he became President, whilst Romney believes in enforcing stricter gun control laws ever since the Colorado incident.

There are several more issues, which I shall try and address in my future posts.

Till then, ciao! Keep voting, people 🙂

Feeling of the day

Weather is a great metaphor for life – 

sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, 

and there’s nothing much you can do about it 

but carry an umbrella. 

😀

Polar Opposites

She is many things to everyone.

She’s not beautiful. Never was, never will be. But she is the epitome of wisdom and success. She is brilliant, yet not extraordinarily so. She is cute, but never pretty. She is nice, but never without a reason.

She frowns in the mirror whenever she sees her reflection, yet cares not to put on makeup or to look any better than she already does. She is conservative, at times. She’ll have a lot of excuses in her backpack, if you dare ever call her that, but deep inside – you know she’s a tad bit too traditional for this world of today.

She’s smart, for sure. She has a way to get back to you, and yet you not mind it. She gets in trouble for the silliest of reasons. In fact, if you’d dare to – you’ll call her a trouble magnet. She has a knack of attracting trouble where she goes. But, then again, minor drawback.

She adheres to all rules, until it comes to her friends. She can go to any limits to   help them out – even if it involves going amongst tall scary guys and actually shouting at one of them. She believes in people easily, inspite of being betrayed quite a lot of times. She trusts in people, because she genuinely believes that they change. Maybe not today, but someday, and when they do, they need someone to support them, and she’ll be there for them. By god, she will.

She is nice, and it genuinely makes her cry when people mistake it for being fake. Yes, she still cries at night when she hears a idiotic rumor going around about her – though she’ll probably pretend it doesn’t matter to her when she’s in front of you.

A lot of people want to be her. She wishes sometimes, how she wishes she was someone else, but stays silent and does what she believes is the solution to all problems, smiles.

She hates being awkward around people. She would do anything to kill that weird feeling she gets when she’s around people who she talked to at one point of time, but drifted apart over time. She’s unpredictable sometimes – and she even get mood swings. She’ll like to shout at you, but she won’t, because that’ll not be her – just her frustration acting out.

She loves to laugh, and she’s pledged it to herself that no matter what happens –   how bad life becomes, she will smile and laugh, because she understands that it isn’t her fault all the time. She is tired of people talking to her just for the sake of  using her by either getting information about her, or for a bet, perhaps.

She has hidden aspirations. She wants to be a theatre artist, jump from a plane, drink till she passes out, go crazy….and she knows that a day will come when she fulfills all of these. She’s just waiting for the right company to show up.

Honestly, she doesn’t believe in love.  She believes that love is voluntary, but she dare not say that to anyone. She has friends who would kill her for saying something like that, or probably lecture her. She believes that you can only fall in love with someone who you appreciate – someone who you think better than you.

But what she does know is friendship is involuntary. She has the most extraordinary friends, that she could not have imagined in her wildest dreams. In fact, she’s friends with people who’re the worst of enemies. Yet, she’s loyal.

It hurts her when people judge her, especially people who she doesn’t know too well personally. It astounds her that they could think of her as something she never was, never will be.  She consoles herself only by telling herself that it doesn’t matter what someone who she doesn’t know say about her. But, deep down, she knows that it does. She doesn’t like being talked negatively about, especially when she’s not done a thing. But like said before, trouble flocks to her like honeybees flock to flowers.

She never can put up with shit, but she finds that tolerating it sometimes, is worth it in the long run. It helps her stay happier, and she loves to be happy, more than anything else in the world.

He knows all this about her. He knows her better than he knows himself. He observes her, every step in taking. He knows. He knows that he’s never seen a girl like her. Someone who could be so many things, all at once.

But he won’t ever say it to her. Because, she is convinced they’re polar opposites. He’s the arrogant toerag, she’s the angel. She sees nothing but imperfections in him, and he sees nothing but perfections.

He wonders sometimes, how she would react if he were to tell her how he felt about her. And he knows that she would respond in the worst way possible. She would break his heart in the nicest way possible, and that was worse. Because he would never be able to hate her. He would fall even more so in love with her. But she doesn’t believe in love. It doesn’t matter that he does. It doesn’t matter, because she’ll find a way – a loophole and convince him that he doesn’t “love” her, but it is merely an infatuation, and would go away.

He wishes it was. God knows, he does. But it isn’t. He knows that, and no matter what he tries to do, he cannot help but admit it at the end of the day.

To her, he’s arrogant, bullying, insufferable pig.

To him, she’s beautiful, charming, witty.

They never could gel well together. He told this to himself a lot of times, in vain. Because every time he would commit the mistake of thinking that he was over her, he would fall for her even worse the very next day.

It was like a trap really. He knew that he’d get stuck, but he’d always go that way anyway. It was a reflex, an impulse. He couldn’t help it. It was involuntary, it was a reality of his life.

How he wished that somehow his life could turn into a movie, and he should get the girl…how he wished! But fantasies apart, he knew that it was merely a delusion. He could not fool himself.

But, there was no way out of this situation he’d gotten himself in.

No way in. No way out.

She smiled to him the next day they crossed paths. He sighed.

He was definitely stuck in this game for life.

________________________________________

Just a lil something I thought of. Hope you all enjoy it! 🙂

Of betrayals, heartbreaks and friendship

Dear The-Boy-Who-Had-It-All,

She had always been there for me, and that’s why our bond was utterly perfect. We were best friends.

And then, she met you. Suddenly, it was almost like she had a new best friend. A new person to make stories with. I will not lie. I was jealous. All of a sudden, whenever I called her – we were talking about how funny you were, or how much you made her laugh, and how your comments were so witty. You’d mistaken that friendship for love, I remember. And when she did hear from your friends that you liked her, she distanced herself from you. Why, you thought. I don’t know if you had an answer then, but I give you an answer now – the sanctity of your friendship was much more important to her.

She didn’t want to lead you on, because she really, honestly, truly considered you a friend worthy of herself. That, may I tell you now, is a remarkable feat for anyone to achieve.

My fault? I encouraged her to distance herself from you – she wasn’t ready. I was selfish, but I was right. She wasn’t ready.

And what did you do? You stopped talking to her. She started ignoring you, and then one day, out of the blue, you told her you liked her, alot. She reacted, just as anyone in her position would react. She refused, and you – in turn blamed her.

I tell you now, she was guilty the whole year that she led you on – even though she hadn’t! Even though it wasn’t her mistake, at all. But all that was left of that once-wonderful friendship were nasty glares, and avoiding eyes.

And then, she realized. She realized that she actually missed your laugh, your smile, your comments. She missed you. She liked you. She told me it was too late now though. You had overcome your affection for her already.

She didn’t know what to do. I told her that I had been wrong all along, I knew now that you were a good person. An honest person. And yes, she actually liked you genuinely again. This time round, I wasn’t jealous, coz I thought of you as a person worthy of her. But you weren’t.

All you were were a selfish, selfish, manipulative liar. You broke her heart when you lied to me. I remember telling her what a double game you were playing, and the silence on the other side of the line. I trusted you, and you broke my trust. Above that, you broke her hopes – her hope that you had not changed. But you had.

You had changed drastically. You weren’t the guy she liked. You weren’t the guy I trusted. You were just another of those guys that girls should stay away from bigtime.

Maybe I played selfish again, because it was only after hanging up the phone that I realized that I’d said so much ill about you in my frustation and had paid no consideration to her feelings. It had hurt her, bad. More than your lying hurt me, because to me you were just a friend who had betrayed me – but to her, to her it was the confirmation of the fact that you were not what you used to be.

You’re not sensitive, nice and funny anymore. Instead, you’re a douchebag – a self absorbed guy who likes to play with the feelings of others.

And now, all I want to do is come and shout at you on your face. But I won’t do that, because then everyone would know who you are. But honestly, all I want you to feel is not regretful, but guilty of how things you do, how your actions have a far deeper impact on people than you realize. I do realize now that you were using me all along, so that you could extract information out of me when the time comes…but truth be told, I was upset, not because you attempted to use our friendship to your advantage, but because of the consequences that I knew would follow.

You think you’re so cool, right? You think you smoke, drink and hang out with your ‘friends’ all day and that makes you so awesome and up-to-the-trend? Let me tell you something, all those ‘friends’ you hang out with – are just there for a few days. So, go on, enjoy your life – don’t study and betray your other friends for their sake. Let’s see where that gets you.

And if ever you feel guilty about having done what you have, don’t apologize – because now, she won’t ever know for sure if that was a genuine apology or just something you’re saying to use us again.

Thank you for showing to me and her that the world is full of manipulative liars, such as yourself.

Yours sincerely,

Her Best Friend.

 

_______________________________________
This one goes out to you – Garima!
Let me tell you baby, no matter what happens – I’ll be by your side forever and EVER 🙂

Why I want a best friend like Ted Mosby!

Robin: It’s not your job to cheer me up.
Ted: Yes, it is. Cheering you up is my job.
Robin: Well, then, you’re fired.
Ted: You can’t fire me. I’m union, bitch..

***

Ted: If you don’t wanna tell me what’s wrong, fine, I don’t need to know. But you can never stop me from trying to cheer you up. It’s a fact of life… you just gonna have to deal with it.

_______________________________________________

Growing Up

I am the girl
Standing in the rain
Wishing they understood

I am the teen
Who thinks she knows it all
And wishing that she could

I am the friend
With all the advice
Wishing to live life

I am the heart breaker
With the guilt on my shoulders
Wishing I could go back and change the past.

I am
The girl
The teen
The friend
The heart breaker
Wishing, wanting To be set free

 

– By Emmi Hayes

Source: Who I Am, Growing Up Poem
http://www.bestteenpoems.com/poem/who-i-am-2#ixzz1nqq7ogjP

 

I came across this poem – and thought it spoke truly of what I really am.
 

 

Choices

It hurt her just as much as it hurt him.

She stood in the rain, watching him storm away. He was angry, she could always tell from the way his eyebrow twitched when she said it. And, just like that, it was over.

Over. For real.

She knew that she would be tainted in his head for life. She was the girl who broke his heart – and not just broke it – she broke it piece by piece, until there was no way left of putting it back together.

She knew that she’ll be the one who his friends would hate and think horribly of for life. She’ll be the one who his parents blame for spoiling their son’s life. She knew she’ll be the one that he’ll be reminded of everytime it rains, no matter where time takes him. She’ll knew she’ll be the one that he’ll warn his sons to be wary of – the girl who got away and scarred him for life.

She knew.

She should probably be crying – she should probably be on her knees, howling like they do in those movies she’s fond of.

But she can’t. She can’t do any of that.

All she can do is stand there, rooted on that very spot, like her legs were set in stone – letting the rain wet her thoroughly. Maybe it’ll clean her up, maybe it’ll help her get rid  of this dreadful dreadful feeling she had inside of her heart.

Just maybe.

It had taken her five words, to tell him.

I can’t do this anymore.

She didn’t have it in her to offer any explanation.  He didn’t ask for one too.

He was perfect.

She wasn’t.

She couldn’t go on pretending that she was. She was imperfect, very much so – but if there was one thing she wasn’t – it was a bad friend.

She’d made a choice. And it wasn’t him.

The very moment that Ryan had marched up to her and asked her to marry him, she knew she had to break his heart. He was special to her, but Ryan was her best friend – and the least he deserved from her, was this.

She didn’t explain, because she knew that he wouldn’t understand. Maybe he would, but she knew he’ll never see it the way she did.

She couldn’t spoil his life, because of something she thought was her duty to do.

She never wanted it to go this way, but Ryan was important – more important to her than she’d ever imagined. The least she could do was make him happy – even if it was for a little while – and if this is what would make him happy, then so be it.

God knew that she didn’t want it to go this way.

Ryan didn’t deserve it – he didn’t deserve the pain, the suffering, the constant fear of death. He didn’t deserve to die.

He didn’t, God knew he didn’t!

Leukemia. The word itself had numbed her senses when he’d told her. He’d been crying. He didn’t want to die. She didn’t want him to die.

She hugged him, and cried. Cried, till there were no more tears left, and she couldn’t speak, and then she’d whispered to him that she’d do anything – anything to make the pain go away. She’d do anything.

He’d smiled, and asked her to marry him. She couldn’t say no.

She couldn’t tell him about him either, because she knew he would immediately tell her to forget about his proposal. He deserved to be happy before he died. She couldn’t have him dying any other way.

And then – in the pouring rain – she’d told him.

It hurt her, just as much she knew it hurt him. But she had to do it.

Nothing hurts more than knowing that you’ve destroyed a person beyond repair. Nothing. 

She didn’t know if what she did was right or wrong, but what she did know was that the smile on Ryan’s face, and his hand clutching to hers, when he finally went down was worth the constant throbbing pain in her chest.

___________________________________________________________________

Yes, Dear John was an inspiration 🙂

Would do well with constructive criticism though 🙂

<3 The Palace of Illusions! <3

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I came across this book on a Sunday window shopping afternoon at Landmark. Honestly, it was the “Buy 3 for price of 2” scheme that attracted me – and I ended up picking up a Only Time will Tell by Jeffrey Archer (which I am yet to read), Eat, Pray, Love (because I’d loved the movie!) and Palace of Illusions.

Now that I think about it, I probably just picked up the Palace of Illusions by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni because I was getting it for free – but free or not – it was definitely worth my time! It provides a very interesting insight into the mind of Draupadi – the wife of the five Pandavas in Mahabharata. It startes out with a young Draupadi, or Panchaali (as she prefers to be called!) and her fascination with the story of her birth (from fire!), her unconditional love for her brother, Dhrishtadyumna and her eternal love for Krishna.

For the first time, one is let into the mind of the woman who has often been called the reason for the long overdue Great War between the Kauravas and the Pandavas – and one is amazed by what one sees inside! Her fascination and admiration for Krishna and their relationship is truly flawlessly potrayed. Inspite of her declaring her love for Krishna several times in the novel, not once can it be mistaken for romance.

“The Palace of Illusions” is what she prefers to call her palace at Indraprastha – for the palace is not just grand, but also magical (having been made by an Asura, Maya). She expresses her deep love for her palace and the fact that she is the mistress of it, as compared to Hastinapur which seemed to restrict her.

Her attraction to Karna is flawless as well – and surprisingly fits in quite well in the story. It also serves as an answer to quite a lot of questions that were left unanswered in the Mahabharata. It is controversial, true – for the last thing one can imagine is Drapaudi being attracted to Karna in such a romantic and sensual way, and her comparing what her life as Karna’s wife could have been had she not dismissed him on Krishna’s insistence and what it was as the wife of the five Pandavas.

Her love for Krishna can be related to, to a large extent. Her affection for him is a topic which has been touched upon several times in the book but leaves it upto the reader’s imagination as to whether their love was physical, sensual, or emotional. Krishna,too, names her Krishnaa and as his usual charming self, drops hints and advises in ways disguised yet understood.

Most amazingly, Draupadi expresses her grief over not having been a good mother to her children – as she was too busy in filling the minds of her husbands with vengeance. It is sad that she does not get the chance, as all of her sons die in the Kurukshetra War.

Draupadi complains several times of Yudhishtar and how his inability to do wrong or speak false and his righteousness irritated her. It is Yudhishtar who she probably likes the least among all her husbands, but over the years and especially on the time when she lay on her death bed she truly understood that Yudhisthar had loved her all along but it was not in his nature to lie, to do what was not right.

Bheem is someone Draupadi really admires for she realizes that it is he who truly loves her the most. He, who fulfills all of her whims and wants and cannot bear to see her suffer. He – who even puts their disguise in danger when he kills Keesak – the brother-in-law of King Virat when he attempts to rape Draupadi, who he thinks is his sister’s hair dresser. Yes, Draupadi uses him because she knows that he would do as she would ask, and that is enough to prove his true love towards her. Even, when Draupadi falls, it is he who attempts to save her – in spite of knowing that turning back is not allowed – but is stopped by Yudhishter.

For Draupadi, Arjun was always the hero. He was the one who had won her over, and as a newly wed bride – she craves for his attention, his love. She feels that it is he who truly deserves her, and her feelings are not misplaced. She is envious when she sees Arjun and Subadra madly in love, and is angry at Krishna for allowing Subadra to take her place, to receive that love and affection that she had vied for from Arjun.

Nakul and Sahdeva – though not much has been mentioned in detail about their relationship with Draupadi, but she often comments how she thinks they are passionate and good looking. She admires Nakul’s good looks and Sahdeva’s passion for knowledge.

Draupadi’s relationship with Kunti is one of the fictional and perhaps most interesting part of the novel. Kunti is jealous and afraid that Draupadi might replace her in the lives of her sons. She dislikes Draupadi for probably this reason, for it hurts her and scares her that another woman might replace her importance in the life of her sons who she has brought up among such turmoil. She has been a widow for years, and to bring up her sons and fight for their positions as the future kings of Hastinapur, she has been turned into a lady with a stone heart.

A beautiful book, which easily takes you back hundreds of years – right in the time of the Pandavas and the Kauravas with comfortable ease – this one is worth a read! It does not disappoint, and instead leaves you wanting for more 🙂