Choices

It hurt her just as much as it hurt him.

She stood in the rain, watching him storm away. He was angry, she could always tell from the way his eyebrow twitched when she said it. And, just like that, it was over.

Over. For real.

She knew that she would be tainted in his head for life. She was the girl who broke his heart – and not just broke it – she broke it piece by piece, until there was no way left of putting it back together.

She knew that she’ll be the one who his friends would hate and think horribly of for life. She’ll be the one who his parents blame for spoiling their son’s life. She knew she’ll be the one that he’ll be reminded of everytime it rains, no matter where time takes him. She’ll knew she’ll be the one that he’ll warn his sons to be wary of – the girl who got away and scarred him for life.

She knew.

She should probably be crying – she should probably be on her knees, howling like they do in those movies she’s fond of.

But she can’t. She can’t do any of that.

All she can do is stand there, rooted on that very spot, like her legs were set in stone – letting the rain wet her thoroughly. Maybe it’ll clean her up, maybe it’ll help her get rid  of this dreadful dreadful feeling she had inside of her heart.

Just maybe.

It had taken her five words, to tell him.

I can’t do this anymore.

She didn’t have it in her to offer any explanation.  He didn’t ask for one too.

He was perfect.

She wasn’t.

She couldn’t go on pretending that she was. She was imperfect, very much so – but if there was one thing she wasn’t – it was a bad friend.

She’d made a choice. And it wasn’t him.

The very moment that Ryan had marched up to her and asked her to marry him, she knew she had to break his heart. He was special to her, but Ryan was her best friend – and the least he deserved from her, was this.

She didn’t explain, because she knew that he wouldn’t understand. Maybe he would, but she knew he’ll never see it the way she did.

She couldn’t spoil his life, because of something she thought was her duty to do.

She never wanted it to go this way, but Ryan was important – more important to her than she’d ever imagined. The least she could do was make him happy – even if it was for a little while – and if this is what would make him happy, then so be it.

God knew that she didn’t want it to go this way.

Ryan didn’t deserve it – he didn’t deserve the pain, the suffering, the constant fear of death. He didn’t deserve to die.

He didn’t, God knew he didn’t!

Leukemia. The word itself had numbed her senses when he’d told her. He’d been crying. He didn’t want to die. She didn’t want him to die.

She hugged him, and cried. Cried, till there were no more tears left, and she couldn’t speak, and then she’d whispered to him that she’d do anything – anything to make the pain go away. She’d do anything.

He’d smiled, and asked her to marry him. She couldn’t say no.

She couldn’t tell him about him either, because she knew he would immediately tell her to forget about his proposal. He deserved to be happy before he died. She couldn’t have him dying any other way.

And then – in the pouring rain – she’d told him.

It hurt her, just as much she knew it hurt him. But she had to do it.

Nothing hurts more than knowing that you’ve destroyed a person beyond repair. Nothing. 

She didn’t know if what she did was right or wrong, but what she did know was that the smile on Ryan’s face, and his hand clutching to hers, when he finally went down was worth the constant throbbing pain in her chest.

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Yes, Dear John was an inspiration 🙂

Would do well with constructive criticism though 🙂